03.19.08
Confidence With Women Demystified
When a man walks into a room, the women in the place are sizing him up instantly, consciously or not. What are they sizing up?
Dating expert Tiffany Taylor did an interesting survey. She asked a panel of women the following question: “What do you look for in a guy, when you are deciding whether you should give him a chance with you or not?”
Guess what came first? Confidence, for 61% of the interviewees. Indeed, try to ask some women directly, and some if not most of them will answer: “Confidence.”
Yeah but… What does confidence exactly mean? It is one of those words we often use without necessarily having a clear grasp of the concept.
First, let’s try to define what confidence is not. Mike Pilinski suggests it is the absence of embarrassment.
Then we could try to study movie characters. Think James Bond. I believe most of you would agree that he’s quite much the epitome of the confident man. What can we observe about him? – I suggest you picture Sean Connery rather than Timothy Dalton by the way – well, for instance, he has an innate ability to keep his cool whatever the circumstances, including while being around beautiful women. What else can we tell about Mr. Bond? He goes for what he wants. He’s fearless. He always gets the girl. And he’s sometimes bordering on arrogance.
Ok… that does not help that much. A more pressing question is: can you improve your confidence? The answer is yes. Then…what is the best method? Let’s hear what some “gurus” have to say on the subject.
First you have the “relooking” gurus. “Relooking” is quite en vogue these days. You see it everywhere on TV. Proponents of “relooking” suggest that by improving the way you look, you’ll feel better inside. And that’s true to a certain degree. But then what happens when you don’t have your best clothes on?
Then you have the “outer game” gurus. Those gurus suggest that you don’t have to be trully confident. You just have to be competent. Their motto is “fake it ‘til you make it”, i.e. focus on the externals and the internals will take care of themselves. The idea is to observe people we consider as confident and then to reverse engineer their behavior . For example you should mirror a confident man’s body language by taking more space as you’re generally used to. Gurus of the “fake it” camp will also suggest things such as keeping strong eye contact with women, minimizing movements and gestures, projecting your voice, standing with legs apart, and so on. In terms of conversation do’s, some dating experts suggests you should tease women mercilessly by acting cocky and funny.
However, men who follow this school of thought often make the mistake of confusing confidence with arrogance, which is a major turn-off for most women.
What is the limit you would ask.
Well confident men do not need to put other people down. They do not need to boast endlessly about their accomplishments. And they are comfortable with considering women as their equal.
And then the most interesting question remains: what exactly goes on in the mind of a confident man and most importantly, how to get there?
If you were able to hear what goes on in the mind of an average guy, it would rather sound like : “Does this hat look good on me?” “Will she talk to me after buying her a few drinks?” “Damn she’s so hot, how could she ever be interested in a guy like me?” By the way, who should ask oneself this kind of question? You or the girl who spent three hours getting ready for the evening?
I’ll share a secret with you… What is a man’s worst enemy on his way to confidence?… His
…
internal
…
dialogue.
Yes. Of course.
Do you believe James Bond ever wondered whether his suit looked good on him? Yeah I know he’s a fictional character but let’s try to do this exercise anyway. So let’s dive into James Bond mind.
What do we see?
Interesting… His mind is kinda quite. Not much activity going on. Oh wait, there’s a cute girl coming in his peripheral vision. I’m sure his mind’s starting to race.
…Surprising…
Still not much activity going on.
Wait! Now I see something!
— Hot — girl. — Get — hot — girl.
Uh!
That’s it?
That’s it.
Indeed, this is how confidence manifests in the mind of a “natural”.
So the main discipline you have to adopt is that of taking control of your internal dialogue. How do you do it?
Here are some suggestions:
- meditate
- find your true purpose. No, women can’t be your purpose. For if they are, you’ll never be successful with them
- meditate
- write a journal on your progress
- meditate
It is by adopting an internal practice that you’ll become grounded, poised and balanced as those are actually terms I prefer to “confidence.” In the end, confidence is kind of a myth. For what do women really want? Women are interested in a man’s drive, determination and spirit. They want a man who goes after what he wants, including them.
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